Disgusted.

I wrote this post after the Sandy Hook shooting

and here we are, a mere 4 months later

looking at another heartless disgusting attack.

And all those emotions that ran through my head

and laid heavy on my heart in December

are back...again.

This isn't how it's supposed to be.

This is not the world we should be living in.

This is not the world our children should be raised in.

Heck, this is not the world I should be raised in.

It was a marathon. A freaking running race.

Why? Why does that seem like a good target?

Not that I'm even sure what a better target would have been.

Because there isn't one.

I saw something on Facebook (I know, such a reliable source of information)

where someone said we should focus on the people helping

because in situations like this, there are always heroic stories

and that's what we will focus on in the days to come.

The regular citizens, policeman, and other bystanders who didn't think twice

but put their life at risk to help others. 

"We shouldn't give up on mankind just yet."

And I know, in all reality that's true.

There are bad people in the world but that doesn't mean the world is bad.

However, I'm not quite there yet. 

I'm not quite ready to believe that today. 

Today I want to be angry.

Did you know, that there's still a tiny part of me that gets paranoid every time I go to the movie theater?

Going to the movies is me and Robbie's "thing". We love it.

But ever since the "Batman shooting" it makes me anxious.

I haven't stopped going because I refuse to let bad things like that keep me from living

and doing what I want to do.

But it changed it for me. Going to the movies isn't the same.

Today in fact, we had a Code 300 Lockdown drill at school

In the past, these were always secretly annoying, even as a student.

We had to scrunch into teeny, uncomfortable places

and be quiet for what seemed like hours. 

Now, my heart literally pounds out of my chest, even when I know it's just a drill.

And I've had to explain, again, to 23 six year olds 

about why we have to practice this drill 

and how they have to pretend like they are playing the most important game of hide and seek ever

because there are bad people in the world who could come into our school

and do bad things. 

There's an old country song that says 

"the devil's been so busy lately, even God must get the blues"

And honestly, could you blame Him?

I know God has a plan, one bigger than you or I could even begin to fathom.

But I can't help but feel like this is not quite it.

"God created mankind in His own image."

- Genisus 1:27

And honestly....this is not the image of God. 

The thing about it is, it's not just the fact that people are bombing marathons 

and shooting up public places. 

It's all of it.

Our whole attitude towards one another. 

We're all so ready to fight and point fingers.

We no longer can just be and let be. 

We no longer can go to something as simple and innocent

as a marathon, or a movie theater, or a flipping elementary school

and just be. 

~

I know this has probably been a long post of rambling nothings.

But I needed to just get it out, as scattered and off track as it sounds.

I know we will prevail, because we always do.

And I know at the root of things, the world is not a terrible place.

But it is hard. And it is often unfair.

And it does sometime just make me disgusted. 

For now, we can pray. 

For physical healing to those injured,

emotional healing to all those involved, directly or indirectly.

For the bastards, whoever they may be, who did this.

For forgiveness and strength to move on.

For comfort to the family and friends of loved ones lost.

And for our future, as individuals and as a country. 

Love one another and you've got a hug to spare, pass it along.

Hugs,