Thursday, June 13, 2013

Five Stages

We've all heard about the Five Stages of Grief. 
But today I'm here to present you with the Five Stages of Baby Making.

Not the actual "how to" of baby making. 
This is not a facts of life blog.
Come on now, my Mema reads this thing. 
Besides, if so many of my high school classmates could "accidentally" make a baby
it can't need that much of a description, right.

I'm talking about the actual build up to intentionally making a baby.
The decision making process. 
The conversations you have with yourself, your husband, and every damn person that constantly asks "so, when are you having a baby?"

Stage 1: Frustration

If you're among the lucky ones,
this stage starts at your wedding reception. 
The ink is barely dry on your marriage license
and everyone and their brother wants to know when you're taking the next step.

Um, hello? I just took fifteen steps down the aisle.
Isn't that enough for one day?

Stage 2: Generalization

This stages overlaps the frustration stage a bit.
The more times you get asked,
the more screaming babies you see at the grocery store,
the more graphic !6 and Pregnant episodes you watch, 
the deeper you get into this stage.

We are never having kids. Ever

Stage 3: Acceptance

After you and your husband have declared you're never reproducing,
you start accepting the fact that the majority of the people around you are.
And oddly enough, you become okay with it.
You actually start to find yourself enjoying the time you spend around teeny tiny babies.
I mean, after all, you get to give them back when you've had enough. 
It's a win-win situation. 

Stage 4: Daydreaming

While you're playing with said teeny, tiny babies mentioned above
you can't help but start to waiver on your "never, ever having babies" stance.
Their clothes are so tiny and cute. 
And the parties that come with having a baby can't be beat. 
It has been a while since all your wedding showers when you were the center of attention. 

Stage 5: Delusion 

I'm convinced this is the stage that the actual, um, "moment" happens.
This is the stage where you convince yourself that you're completely ready to have a baby
because, yes, while there are bad, bad things that go along with having and raising a child
none of them apply to you.
You and your husband are convinced that your child will be perfect because you'll be the perfect parents, obviously.

You might gain 30 pounds during pregnancy, but it'll all be in your tummy. You'll for sure be the cutest pregnant lady ever - think Heidi Klum. 
Sure your baby will cry in the middle of the night. But that'll only last 3-4 weeks. Then they'll sleep 12 hours straight, in their own room of course. 
And when they start toddling around, they'll know not to eat the dog food or stick their fingers in the socket because you will have taught them not to.
They won't grow up to disrespect their teachers or be mean to their friends - ever. They'll know better, thanks to your impeccable parenting skills. 

And that's when those fateful words are said - "Come on, honey. It'll be fun!"

Just for the record, Robbie and I are holding strong at Stage 2 - TSwifty style.



  1. You are too funny! I'm holding strong at #2, but I often have glimpses at #4 and it scares the hell out of me! Those moments are FEW and FAR between, haha!

  2. haha you left out the "crap, I forget you were on an antibiotic, oops we're pregnant" stage haha (that stage is how Sawyer came to be - wouldn't trade it now though). Keep holding strong at 2 girl and enjoy your time as husband & wife before you add the "mommy" and "daddy" title in there too!

  3. I love this post! It's odd though because last night I was thinking of posting the frustration that goes along with people expecting you to have a baby. I was also thinking of the uninvited "suggestions" of what you may/may not be doing right when you get into stage 4.

  4. This is funny....We have been having people ask when it will be "our turn" since before we got married 2 years ago!

  5. I think you forgot stage 4.5- Puppy Baby, where you get a puppy to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, you might be ready for a little more responsibility, not realizing that a puppy is also a TON of work and in a fun addition, eats everything you own.

    You crack me up :) I'm a new follower!


  6. This is awesome. Ammon and I have been back and forth between stages 3 and 5 for a few years now... So I'm thinking it's going to happen sooner or later.