Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Facebook Don'ts

I am so annoyed with Facebook right now.
So annoyed, in fact, that I find myself checking it every 5 seconds.
No one knew Mark Zuckerberg was really creating crack 
when he invented the book of face.
Damn you Zuckerberg. 

I know, I know. I could just delete it.
I'm sure it would save me a lot of time.

But then what would I complain about?
And better yet, how would I know about anything going on in the real world
if it wasn't for the completely biased,
unintelligent opinions of 3498745 of my closest friends people I don't even know?

Hence my Facebook conundrum.
And the topic of today's post.

Since I just can't bring myself to delete that little ole Facebook account,
I figured I could at least give y'all some sound Facebook advice.

I present to you:

Marianna's Unofficial Facebook DON'Ts

1. DON'T send me a game invitation. Sure I've dabbled in a few of those Facebook games
(never Farmville though, never.) but come on guys. How lame do you think I am? Don't answer that. 

2. DON'T post a status asking for people to message you their address if they're interested in attending your upcoming baby shower/birthday/wedding. I have one word for this - TACKY with a capital T.

3. DON'T post pictures of your freshly birthed baby. I won't even go far enough to say don't post ultrasound pictures, although 20,000 of them are a bit much. However, nobody, not even you really, wants to see a gooky, fresh outta the "you know what" baby. If you want to document that moment, go right ahead, but please save those pictures for the Baby Book, not the Facebook.

4. DON'T "share" everything. Oh em gee. Out of all the changes Facebook has made over the years, the "share" button has got to be my least favorite. There is no need to "share" every cool picture, post, article, you come across. Enough already. 

5. DON'T post nonsense pictures. You know the ones I'm talking about. "I'll give you $3,000,000 plus my first born child if this picture gets 50,000,000 likes." How bout, I'll punch you in the face if I see one more of these floating around my computer screen. Even the cutesy, inspirational quotes are getting to be too much. 

6. DON'T ever, and I mean ever, TyPe LiKe ThIs. iT iS oBnOxIoUs aNd hArD tO rEaD. Plus it takes freaking forever. 


I think that's enough for today. 
Study up. If you need to make changes in your current Facebook actions,
I understand. I don't think too much less of you for committing these Facebook crimes.
In fact, your obnoxiousness on Facebook gives me something to bitch blog about.
So, I guess maybe I should be thanking you?
But I'm not. 
Because these things are annoying.



  1. yes, a thousand times yes! how about don't get on facebook talking "to" your baby/kid saying stuff like "I love you so much 'baby's name', you have changed and blessed our lives so much"... really, because baby can't read nor does baby have facebook...

  2. bahahahahaha - the baby pictures just kill me. I don't understand how new mother have the foresight to even bring their phone/ipod/ipad/laptop or whatever into the delivery room. I don't have any babies, but I'm pretty sure the last thing I'm going to want after I've pushed a watermelon out of a hole the size of a dime is for someone to take a picture.

    And... new babies look like ugly little aliens anyways.

  3. Great start! Can't wait to see more!

  4. I hate facebook too now. It is amazing to me how many of my friends don't have twitter yet! It feels like there are so many "shared" pictures and "sponsor posts" that I have no idea who anyone in my news feed even is!!

  5. I agree with all of these... and they are why I only get on fb once a week or so.