Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Real Talk

I had a completely different post ready for y'all today.
But then I read THIS.
And I realized, while I want my blog to be light and fun, 
a place to go to for comedic relief
or advice on how not to cook a delicious meal
(because let's face, I have no real idea)
or a place to see this precious little face

I also want my blog to be just that: MINE.
Among the million and one things that pop around in this brain of mine,
some of them actually are serious
(not a lot, don't worry)
and some of them are actually things that weigh heavy on my mind
and tug hard at my heart
and have me staring in the mirror asking,
what now?

I've been trying to have a quarter-life crisis for a while now.
Trying being the operative word,
because I'm fighting it with every ounce of my being.
Quarter-life/mid-life/half-life crisises (crises? eh?) 
are kind of stupid
and for 50-year-old pervert men who think they need to die their hair,
buy a sports car, 
and find a young, new woman to show off.
(By the way - this makes for a poor excuse of a man. In my opinion anyway.)

At 23 years old, I definitely should not be questioning my life,
searching for something more.

But I am...
and it kills me. 

Don't get me wrong! 
I wake up every morning, completely dumbfounded by the blessings surrounding me.

I have an ah-mazing husband, 
who I truly don't deserve.
Two suh-weet puppy dogs who inevitably
know how to bring a smile to my face.
An amazingly supportive and loving family,
both immediate and extended (in-laws included).
Great friends, 
a wonderful job with awesome co-workers,
a roof over my head, {cute} shoes on my feet, and groceries in the fridge.

I literally have nothing to complain about.
Yet I still do. 
Complain that is.
I somehow am still able to find something that I don't like,
something that I want to change,
something that just ticks me off.
It's stupid really.

And it makes me wonder,
am I living for Him?
Am I doing what He created me for?

My whole life, I believed with all of my heart
that I was put on this Earth to do one thing.
(Well and be a mother...but that's another story.)
There was never any question about it.
Until I actually started to teach.

Teaching is a funny career. 
"haha-funny" and "ironic-funny".

"haha-funny" for the obvious reason....kids say and do the darnedest things.
Just when you think you've seen/heard it all,
they do/say something else that completely blows your mind.

"ironic-funny" because there is no truer reality check 
than stepping foot into your very first classroom
for the very first time.

Sometimes I feel like in my short year and few months of teaching,
I've been taught way more than my kids have. 
Whether intentional or not, I've learned so many things about the world we live in
and my place in it.

And the conclusion is simple...
I want to do more. 

I love my job.
And I feel very fortunate to join the ranks 
of what I think is the most admirable profession in the world.
However, I don't think I've reached the end of my journey.

I thought when I graduated college,
I'd find a teaching job
and there I'd stay
for 30 plus years until it was time to retire
and then I'd start subbing.

But that was MY plan
and I'm starting to see, it might not be HIS plan.
I sometimes feel like He's preparing my heart for something bigger.
And maybe a little scarier.
I'm a type-A control freak. Not being in charge of something 
literally gives me anxiety.

I do know that children are and will always be my passion.
And in everything I do, I want to pave a good path for our future generations.
I believe every child has the potential to be something great.
And as adults, it is our responsibility to help them get there. 

For now, I'm an advocate from my classroom.
And for now, that's enough.
But eventually, I think our children are going to need more.

When I read this earlier, I was literally in tears.
This is a girl who went to my church when we were younger.
Her older sister and I stayed in touch more, 
but I've enjoyed reading stalking being inspired by her blog.
I am so impressed by her courage and selflessness. 
I think this sums it up the best:

"I definitely think dreams come a few sizes too big so we can have time to grow into them."

I thought I was through growing into my dreams.
But I'm learning, I am just getting started.


P.S. If you're still reading, thanks for enduring the length.
You definitely deserve a treat....like a cookie!
A really big, warm chocolate chip cookie.

1 comment:

  1. I know howyou feel. I want to dosomething with children overseas, but what I don't know. Its hard to figure it out adoption, serving, idk